Move along, nothing to see here.

I have always tried to live by the simple, golden rule. Sure it’s cliche, but it works. Be nice, be courteous and, most importantly, be considerate and most of the time people will do the same. I’ve always believed that you get what you give. The love you make is equal to the love you take (Beatles). With most all of my close friends this has been the case. But it seems to me that in the past year or so the female gender seems to be exempt from this “rule.” I suppose you can’t force yourself to have feelings for someone. No matter how much affection they show you, how many adventures you go on or how many songs they write about you. And I suppose it’s partly my fault for trying to hang on. Trying to drive a car with no fuel. And it would be so much easier to cope with if this were a singular experience. But three times?! That’s just shitty.

Bad luck and worse timing have been the theme lately. I keep faith that something will work out soon enough. Everyone’s advice is to stop looking for love and it will find you. I wish that were also true for money and gigs.

Talking.

As humans it is our easiest and most basic form of communication (aside from grunts and gestures, I suppose). Those among us who do it best rise to become presidents, dictators and leaders of movements. A cerebral connection that cannot be easily explained but surely felt. Sometimes real, sometimes based on false promises, centuries old racism or, more frequently, spiritual insecurities. Whatever the case, the simple act of talking has done everything from sparking new friendships to setting in motion the crippling of civilizations. A learned ability that, barring some sort of unfortunate disability, everyone on Earth possesses. Now, if talking is so vital, so important, so easy, so innate; why the fuck is it so hard for me to do?!

I consider my lack/absence of communication skills to be an ever-increasing problem. A problem that has affected me most in past year or so more than any other time in my life. Perhaps it’s like so many other things that have been there all along and I’m just now catching up to the reality (needless to say, I’m a late bloomer in many respects). I consider it a problem because it has affected others which has, in turn, affected me. When someone I am close to isn’t getting any verbal feedback or response from me, I can imagine it’s very hard to gauge how I’m feeling or if I care about what they’re telling me or showing me. It’s so easy to recognize these things in retrospect but there, in the moment, I am seemingly oblivious to what others find so obvious. That is possibly the saddest part.

But like all other things, there are exceptions. This is where my hope lies. I have been lucky enough to meet a handful of people with whom I have no subconscious reservations about making small talk, sharing things and having actual conversations. What makes these few people different? I wish I knew. It’s all about chemistry and connection. It comes before having things in common. It comes even before attraction. It’s almost spiritual. One person’s internal energy finding another to be on the same level, on the same wave. It’s science. It’s magnetism. Yet it’s something that no test could ever conclude and no experiment could ever expose.

As an Atheist it’s odd for me to say, but it’s this unexplainable feeling that I take the most comfort in.